Jewish Humor
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green,
Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? But don't
you miss their humor?
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey,
I'm home!"
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.
* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only
this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the
Dead Sea.
* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
* I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused.
When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so
the doctor gave him another six months.
* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.
"
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought
here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
* The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.
* There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical
school.
* Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
* Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
* Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
* What's a Jewish American Princess'sfavorite position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
* A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? "
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should call."
* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in
the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
part."
* Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
Under the vacuum cleaner.
* How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance
to anybody."
* Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's
eat.
* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
* What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
* Why are Jewish Men circumcised?
Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 20% off.
The marvels of technology and the human
mind!
One of the -- if not the - cleverest Internet pictorial wonders yet. It is really
superb.
This may take a minute or two to come up, but it's worth the time. This is a really incredible example of somebody's amazing computer skills and likely some long hours putting it together!
Read this first:
1. Click on the link below and a playing card will appear on your screen.
2. Wait a few moments for it to load- it takes a little while to load but well worth the wait.
3. then scroll down below the card and you will see a line that has a little red slider bar in it. Move the slider gradually to the right and stop when something starts moving, and watch the show take place, then move it a little more to the right stop and another show will take place and keep doing this till you are to the end. This is soooooo cool.
The marvels of technology and the human mind!
This carries my moneyback guarantee of satisfaction.
Life, Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
Then, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people,
do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And God agreed.
Then, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this,
I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said:"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
Then, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said:"Only
twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty,
okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
And that's how the fight started...
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started.....
***********************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our 20th upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead,
she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her
look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
8 Words With 2 Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n..
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys .
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... An ything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes..
SCATTERGORIES
Rules: IT'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS!
USE THE 1ST LETTER OF YOUR NAME TO ANSWER EACH OF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS. THEY
HAVE TO BE REAL PLACES, NAMES, AND THINGS. NOTHING MADE UP!
TRY TO USE DIFFERENT ANSWERS IF THE PERSON IN FRONT OF YOU HAD THE SAME 1ST
INITIAL.
YOU CAN'T USE YOUR NAME FOR THE BOY/GIRL NAME QUESTION.
1. What is your name: Susan
2. A 4 Letter Word : sigh
3. A Boys Name: Sam
4. A Girls Name: Sylvia
5. An Occupation: Silver smith
6. A Color: silver
7. Something you wear: sneakers
8. A Beverage: shake
9. A Food: shitaki mushroom
10. Something found in the bathroom: scissors
11. A place: San Andreas
12. for being late: seminated
13. Something you shout: slow down
The hardest part is finding 10 people who will play with you...
Entertainment Night at the Senior Center
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center , Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member
of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. 'I want you each to keep your eye on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, clearly under the spell of the hypnotist, when suddenly the family heirloom slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering it to pieces.
'Shit!!!' said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...
THE GEOGRAPHY
OF A WOMAN...
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa; half discovered, half wild, fertile
and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece; gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain; with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel; has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada; self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet; wildly beautiful, with a mysterious pa st and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN...
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran; ruled by nuts.
Supermarket Surround Sound
A new supermarket near my house has an automatic water
mister to keeps produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and breathe in the aroma of chocolate milk.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the sound of a gentle breeze and the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.