NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,
Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other
as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though
it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would
not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer
the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes
and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering
the same thing!
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when
he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400
bucks. Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I
wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well,
s/he looks good doesn't s/he?'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
You could run this over to your friends but why not just email it to them!
An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do you stay in such great physical condition?”
I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy,” and that’s why I’m in such good shape.” I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.” “Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
“Who said my Dad’s dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that’s why he’s still alive … he’s Italian and he’s a golfer too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandpa’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He’s 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. “Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
Eliminate ear mites ~ All it takes is a few drops of WESSON corn oil in your cat's ear...Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball. Repeat daily for 3 days. The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.
Kills fleas instantly ~ DAWN dish washing liquid does the trick. Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly. Rinse well to avoid skin irritations. Good-bye fleas.
Rainy day cure for dog odor...Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with BOUNCE or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.
Did You Know that drinking two glasses of GATORADE can relieve headache pain almost immediately-- without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional 'pain relievers’.
Did you know that COLGATE toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.
Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong ALTOIDS peppermints. They'll clear up your stuffed nose.
Achy muscles from about of the flu? Mix 1 Tablespoon of HORSERADISH in 1 cup of olive oil. Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes, then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.
Sore throat? Just mix 1/4 cup of VINEGAR with 1/4 cup of HONEY and take 1 tablespoon six times a day. The vinegar kills the bacteria.
Cure urinary tract infections with ALKA-SELTZER. Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms. ALKA-SELTZER begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly -- even though the product was never been advertised for this use.
HONEY remedy for skin blemishes ... Cover the blemish with a dab of HONEY and place a Band-Aid over it. HONEY kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing. Works overnight.
LISTERINE the rapy for toenail fungus. Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in LISTERINE mouthwash. The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.
Easy eyeglass protection... To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear NAIL POLISH to the threads of the screws before tightening them.
CLEANING LIQUID that doubles as bug killer.... If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of FORMULA 409. Insects drop to the ground instantly.
Smart splinter remover. Just pour a drop of ELMER'S Glue-All over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin. The splinter sticks to the dried glue.
HUNT'S TOMATO PASTE boil cure...cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress. The acids from the tomatoes soo the the pain and bring the boil to a head.
BALM for broken blisters... To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine. A powerful antiseptic.
VINEGAR to heal bruises ... Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour. The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.
QUAKER OATS for fast pain relief... It's not only for breakfast anymore! Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute , coo l slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain.
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Lucky for me I've already been vaccinated.
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
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Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
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Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
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Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
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Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
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Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
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Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
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Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
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Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
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Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION, A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE
1. The nicest thing about the future is it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make h im wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child
who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants
to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate how many people a company can operate
without.
8. Why is it that, at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than gett ing a call for a wrong number at 4AM: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team's winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with wrinkled tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.