Blonde Mortician.........
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
It's the summer of 1957, and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy, with his own car and a "Ducktail" hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother
answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you
have a seat?"
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do? Harold replies politely
that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a
Drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out
and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold, and he says, "Whaaaaat?"
"Yes," says Peggy Sue's mother. "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up, and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately he has revised his plans for the evening. A few moments later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost with breathless anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids!" with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back in to the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother......."Dammit Mom.....it's the TWIST!.......It's called the TWIST!"
The story of Mildred and Henry:
Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Henry, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Henry and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
Henry, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Henry quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house. . . walked home . . and left it there all night.
You have to love people like Henry.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The
turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength
to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more
dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey
was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Why We Love Children
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat,
but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't
move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan,
come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother
was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I
have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
5.. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for
the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes,
and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three
year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his maths homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus
six, that son of a bitch is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching
my son in maths?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of
a bitch is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two
plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of
Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went
up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer
said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking
chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,
I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's
daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find
a smooth one, can I play with him?'
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she
wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much
money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.. "Of course ", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.
- - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same
kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people shou ld use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean
up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is.......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK ?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10