Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next
day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every
afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his
collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children---he's trying to catch up on his
sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.
If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management.
If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden."
"So, my friend, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can."
Life is short. Enjoy it!
Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:
* Accept that some days you're the pigeo n, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.
* The second mouse gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons...Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??"
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever put my pecker in."
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?? "
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb fool !!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our cabin at the lake. He paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do in a case like this?"
"I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he
saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for
Sale"
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"
The Beagle looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they
had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... the United States
Marines. You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided
to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded
a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's such a bullshitter ... He never did any of that stuff. He
was in the Navy!"
After being married for 42 years, I took a careful look at my
wife one day and said, "Honey, 42 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but
every night I got to sleep with a hot 19-year-old gal.
Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV,
but now I'm sleeping with a 61-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find me a hot 19-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve our mid-life crisis.