December 31th
All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman
It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
It's not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.
December 26th
Diary Of A Snow Shoveler
December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to
go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate
it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.
December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1
slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.
December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
December 25th
Christmas Controversies
WHICH IS BEST?
CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE; Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do you fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carryout or McDonald's
December 24th
Not Jingle Bells?
A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.
He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.
At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.
The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.
She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.
After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"
December 23th
Wrapping Presents (With a Cat)
1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels,
etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy
to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since
last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore
the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present
came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach,
and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky
tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as
possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm
in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing
last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size
for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small
area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down
tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with
bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself
on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to
lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is
locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they
try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn
thing for you.
December 22th
Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don't Like
10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you don't like
1. "I really don't deserve this."
December 21th
Murphy's Laws Of Christmas Presents
1. If it doesn't run off the mains, batteries are never included
2. If it does run off the mains, a plug is never included
3. Everything is designed to break by Dec 26
4. If you can wear it, it's the wrong size
5. If it fits, the color is never right
6. Santa Claus is an incorrigible practical joker
December 20th
Christmas Forecast
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold
shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife
will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side
while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for
the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sand-wiches
will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a
50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the
day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops.
By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
December 19th
Seasonal Puns
It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"
Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?"
"Of course! As everybody knows...Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!""
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I was travelling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather
is up there (and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop
for a inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went
to
another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.
"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"
To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows
rain gear."
(By Dave Christian)
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Once Horace Gold [my editor] went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too lazy to write a good one. (This was not true, by the way. This particular story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)
Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"
Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully, "Meretricious!"
Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."
(By Isaac Asimov)
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This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.
"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"
"I'm not," he replied.
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."
"No, not at all," my friend responded.
"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"
"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . ."I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"
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Little Wendy is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
Little Wendy replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".
"No", said Wendy, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken"
December 18th
Top 10 Comments Made By The Reindeer During Their Xmas Flight
10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?"
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE."
7. "Sure...HIS seat is a flotation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."
4. "HEY! Watch the antlers there, buddy!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingling bells really get annoying!"
And Finally...
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"
December 17th
Christmas Pun 2
One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepard leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it. Desperate, the shepard began tugging them to the other side.
"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"
December 16th
Reindeer Jokes
What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!
What do reindeer hang on their
Christmas trees?
"Horn"-aments!
Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the
Christmas party?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!
How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through
the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!
What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a "re-tail" shop for a new one!
Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he's a "rain"-deer!
Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet!
When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When its a baby reindeer!
Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!
Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
"Rude"-olph!
What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can't hear you!
What do reindeer always say before telling you
a joke?
This one will "sleigh" you!
How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-"deer"!
Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
"Deery" Queen!
What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
"Elk"-a-seltzer!
How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the "deer"-bell!
What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!
How many reindeer does it take to change a light
bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold
Rudolph down!
Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was "elf"-taught!
Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross
the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer also
works as a maid?
Yup! Comet cleans sinks!
Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!
December 15th
Dashing Through The Mall
Dashing through the mall...
On a late December day,
Through the $tores we go
Charging all the way...
Ching ... Ching ... Ching ...
Bell$ on register$ ring
Making checkbook$ light,
Oh, what fun it is to buy up
Everything in $ight!
Ching ... Ching ... Ching ...
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
The kids all yell and scream
To us it sounds like anarchy
But to them it's harmony-HEY!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
The children tipped the tree
Antique ornaments smashed to bits
The kids each say "not me"
Dad goes to work each day
Engineering things for flight
But his real job is at home
Refereeing little fights
Mom drives the kids around
In an ancient Caravan
Karate, swimming, children's choir
Espresso in her hand-HEY!
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Jingle all the way
Our wish to you is that you have
A... Happy... Holi-dayyyyyyyyy.
December 14th
Christmas 2000
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....
Please read the following carefully.......
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able
to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that
your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens
to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
"Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off"
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.
The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song title will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus (member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
December 13th
A Christmas Pun
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do. He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
December 12th
Christmas Hunting
Every year in December, comes a time that strikes fear into the heart of every husband and father. That is the Christmas shopping. Men are by nature conquerors, and the shopping experience of many is the same as visiting an art gallery, museum, or sight-seeing. There is nothing to do, no sense of accomplishment, and no trophies. The stress we must endure is as high as when I first proposed marriage to my wife, only I get to live through it again every year.
Through deep analysis, I have decided that the problem is one of attitude; how you approach the situation. Instead of "Christmas shopping", I call it "Christmas hunting". Instead of gathering presents, I "hunt and kill" them. Here is how it works:
The Prey
In order to hunt something, you must have a prey, something to hunt. With a normal hunting expedition, this would be deer, rabbits, ducks, geese, etc. Even when you go fishing, there is something to catch, kill, dress, and eat.
At Christmas time, the prey is the GIFT. The nature of the GIFT is what determines the hunt. If, for example, you decided to go Buffalo hunting, you would make all the necessary preparations - special permits, gun, travel plans, etc. Bagging a GIFT is the same.
The GIFT must be something personal that only she can use. Although she may need a new kitchen appliance such as a blender, for every kitchen appliance bought, you must spend at least double to ten times that amount additional for her personal GIFT. Just as a fish is different from a duck, GIFTS come in various forms, from jewelry to clothing to knickknacks. Impracticality is the rule here.
In order to understand the nature of the prey, you must do some
homework. This may involve actually looking or listening to your wife. See what
earrings (who knows where they came from?) she is wearing. She will often give
you hints that you are supposed to hear and understand. It may come in the form
of "I wish",
or "it would be nice if . . .", such as "I wish I had a watch
to match my shoes", or it may be that page from the department store catalog
that she wrapped your sandwich in. Look for the item circled in red.
Pay attention during some of those ordeals you are made to endure with her when you hold her purse as she moves clothing on a display rack in a department store. See what catches her eye. Another source is the television shopping channel. Stop for a few more seconds and take note of what they are peddaling. This part of the process can be related to when you learn about the best fishing lakes, hunting forests, etc.
The Weapon
The biggest problem with the Christmas Hunt is the weapon. In order to "kill" your prey, the GIFT, you must use a paper or plastic weapon. A check book or credit card just don't look as ominous as a 12-gauge shotgun. There is nothing to wield. When you go fishing there is the pole, hunting has its gun, and even when you are golfing, you have a club to carry. Merchants frown on customers bringing and carrying firearms around in their stores. I have yet to find a suitable substitute. If the problem is acute, finding and carrying around a pole-like device (spear) may do. This may be in the form of a shower rod, mop handle, or umbrella. A coffee cup or beer mug may also suffice if you don't mind carrying one around a store, as this is similar to the scabbard on a sword.
Some stores have large plastic candy canes filled with candy or bath oil beads that could substitute for the weapon. This may help you during your hunt for the GIFT. You don't have to purchase, just borrow it for a while until the real game has been tracked and bagged. There has yet to be invented a weapon-shaped object that would appeal to women.
The License
If you can walk in the store, you have a license to hunt there. Your driver's license, or whatever identification you use to get beer and tobacco products can be used for the Christmas hunt. This will be displayed to the game warden (store clerk) when the weapon (credit card or personal check) is used to get the GIFT. The prey may then be dressed (gift wrapped) or put in a bag for protection. The receipt compares to the deer or duck stamp. Unless you have a lot of experience wrapping things, this is best left to the professionals in order to be more attractive when it is presented to your wife. Your limit is determined by the balance left in your account.
The Site
Just as you would not hunt deer in the middle of a lake, where you go depends on the prey you are hunting. Hunters and gatherers have always shared space. The same field used for getting plants has been the roaming place for pheasants In the forest where berries are found, the deer and elk roam. In order to get the GIFT, you must go alone into the dark, scary forest called "The Mall".
If this is too drastic, a "Department Store" may help ease you into the experience.
At each entrance of a Mall, there is a totem called a "kiosk". This will help narrow down the hunt. The various stores are listed by item sold, so you can proceed directly to the quarry, avoiding the quick-sand and cliffs. Each store in a mall is divided as are department stores into specialized areas. Just as some fish like deep water, and others prefer shallow, the items sold there are separated as to type and size. There is usually an extra area designated for jewelry or electronic devices and cameras. Signs on or near the ceilings can lead you to the proper area.
Rules and Regulations
Getting a personal GIFT for your wife has specific rules, like a size limit on a fish caught in a lake. Here are some that will help keep you out of trouble:
- Buy her something she already has. Then she can exchange it
for something she really likes and "you will never know".
- Avoid sizes. If you have to get her any clothing, get a size or two too small.
This translates in her mind as a compliment.
- No underwear, Teddies, or pajamas. This is interpreted as a gift for you,
and also conflicts with rule two above.
- If it comes from a store you are comfortable in, get something else. There
are no personal items for women in sporting goods, hardware, liquor, or fishing/tackle
stores. The possible exception is if you are building that romantic porch swing
she has bugged you about for years. In this case, have it finished before Christmas,
or you will have to go back into the forest for something else.
- No plants, flowers, or cards. These are for other occasions, weddings, and
deaths. These are interpreted as make-do gifts, such as those things you grab
at the last minute at the airport, the gas station, or the check-out stand.
- The GIFT must personal and impractical. The breadmaker and blender are used
by everyone in the house, not just her. It must hers and hers alone. An exception
would be an automobile. Compact - yes, Mini-van - no.
- Things that enhance her personal hobby or collection are sure winners. If
she collects Barbies, an expensive ceramic version would be an excellent trophy
to give her.
- Expensive candy is OK, but does not constitute the main GIFT. Put this in
her Christmas stocking with the plastic candy cane you forgot to put back.
The Perfect Hunt
The best way to turn "Christmas shopping" into "Christmas hunting" would be to organize a hunting trip. Treat this the same as any other hunting expedition. Get together some buddies. Drive to the other side of the next state and camp. Drink and play poker until you all pass out. Wake up before dawn and walk at least a mile to the forest (mall). If it's not open yet, have breakfast. Malls open earlier and stay open later as Christmas day approaches.
Divide into two's and hunt for the GIFT. Admire each other's kill.
Unless the GIFT is a car hood ornament, it would be tacky to tie the GIFT to the hood of the car. Only something too large, such as exercise equipment, can hang out of the trunk with bungee cords.
Spend the rest of the day in the sports bar or golf course.
I have had a lot of success with this attitude toward getting
the GIFT. On one experience, I tackled the greatest of all forests, Mall of
America. I arrived on Christmas Eve morning at 7 am, parked right outside the
door, and I was back in the car with her GIFT in 45 minutes. I wouldn't recommend
this to an amateur
hunter.
Once you get the hang of the "Christmas Hunt", you can attempt the "Anniversary Hunt" or the "Birthday Hunt", once you figure out which days those are.
December 11th
Torturing Santa
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
December 10th
My Christmas Wish
If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for
1. All the Children of the world to sing together
2. $1,000,000 tax free
If I had 3 wishes this Christmas
1. Kids singing together
2. $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3. To have all encompassing power over the universe
If I had 4 wishes this Christmas
1. The crap about the kids
2. $1,000,000
3. All encompassing power
4. 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by 2 super models and, of
course, my spouse
Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange
1. All encompassing power
2. The orgasm
3. The money
OHHH!! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in. Now.. My wish this Christmas would be
1. The power
2. To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money
5. And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the children
of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.
December 9th
Santa's Lap
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
December 8th
Nativity Scene?
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the
lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling
at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I
did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked
her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through
some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
December 8th
Christmas Quickies
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when
you start getting clothes for Christmas.
____________________________________________
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry
mood as he asked the prisoner,
"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early,"
replied the
defendant. "That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were
you doing this
shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
___________________________________________
T'was the night before Christmas and all through
the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.
December 7th
7 Ways To Annoy At Christmas
1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa
Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth..."
5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem: 'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop All you get is the snowman's poop!'
December 6th
Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
December 5th
Top 10 Reasons Why Chanukah Is Better Than Christmas
10. There's no "Donny & Marie Chanukah
Special."
9. Eight days of presents (in theory, anyway).
8. No need to clean the chimney.
7. There's no latke-nog.
6. Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
5. You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
4. You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
3. No barking dog version of "I had a Little Driedl."
2. No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
And the Number 1 reason why Chanukah is better
than Christmas...
1. Blintzes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
December 4th
Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas
Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.
Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?
Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead
of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra
twinkle is seen in the eyes.
Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called
a "live Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.
Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients.
Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit,
but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the
pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.
Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.
Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men
to a tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone
on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by
several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)
Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.
Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.
Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.
Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear
then what words can't say.
December 3rd
CORPORATE MEMO
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).
We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.
As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" music subsidiary:
1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;
2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;
3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;
5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;
6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;
7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;
8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;
9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;
10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;
11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;
Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), a decision is pending.
Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays all!!
December 2nd
12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition
On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
December 1st
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky
again. To be sure it's the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric
mixer, beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure
the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry
it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the
cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget
to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again
and go to bed.