A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses .
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside to help. She hoisted each little boy up so he could reach the urinal. As she lifted one up, she couldn't help but notice that he was "well endowed". Trying to cover her surprise, she said, "You must be in fourth grade."
He replied "No ma'am. I am the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race.
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.
The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went out side and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
[Are you ready?]
[Are you SURE?]
[Okay, you asked for it]
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
Next time you have a Bad Day at work, think of this guy. Rob
is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs
underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to
his sister.
She then sent it to a radio station in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring
a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week
I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my
dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.
It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment
sucks the water out of the sea, heats it to a delightful temperature, then pumps
it down to the diver through a garden hose which is
taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden,
my bum started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it
This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my bum started to burn!
I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.
In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to
it. However, the crack of my bum was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
into the crack of my bum.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass
helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my bum as soon
as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poo for two days because my bum was
swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your AR*e.
Now repeat to yourself, I love my job, I love my job, I love
my job.
Remember whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a Jellyfish Bad
Day?
THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY.
Charlotte, North Carolina.
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued.. and WON!
(Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company
that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer
held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars
were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without
defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated
to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART...
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA!
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
A 92-year-old, large, relaxed and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair combed and face shaved properly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.
His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled genuinely when told his room was ready.
As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.
"Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait."
"That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied. "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged, it's how I arrange my mind.
I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life."
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone .
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn , so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...... skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one works.
18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with > that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
#1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population)
#2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.
#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a ! printed page.
#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
Are you drinking the amount of water you should drink every day?
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: "I want to keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to keep my Cadillac."
He said: "That's fine with me."
She said: "I want to have sex six times a week."
He said: "That's fine with me, Put me down for Fridays."
While I was watching the all star game, Margaret and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.