A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(I bet you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to share this with you!)
A fisherman was stopped by a game warden in Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir," replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses, these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yeah, every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of crap, fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."
"OK," said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
Well, what?," says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
The FISH," replied the warden.
"What fish?" replied the redneck.
Moral of this story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!
Little Tony was staying with his grand father for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked him , "Grandpa, what's that called when two people
sleep
in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
He was a little taken aback, but decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse"
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."
Investment tips for 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2007:
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R.Grace Co.
Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join
forces
and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge
and become: Zip Audi DoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally ....
9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge
under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines.
Women don't talk more than men. Really, they don't.
Really.
Popular wisdom would have it that women are much chattier than men, speaking 20,000 words a day, vs. the average man's 7,000. But a study being published Friday debunks that stereotype. Both men and women use about 16,000 words a day, says the new research, in Science magazine.
"It's been a common belief, but it just didn't fit," says James Pennebaker, chairman of the psychology department at the University of Texas at Austin and co-author of the seven-year study.
Pennebaker and colleagues analyzed recorded conversations of 396 university students ages 18-29 in the USA and Mexico, including 210 women and 186 men. The study didn't look at vocabulary or word use, but rather word count via an electronically activated recorder that researchers developed and refined during the study, conducted between 1998 and 2004.
He says two-thirds of participants spoke 11,000 to 25,000 words a day, with the average for both sexes about 16,000.
The finding may seem surprising in a popular culture where women are often stereotyped as talkative and men as uncommunicative.
Most recently, neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine cited the 20,000 vs. 7,000 comparison in her 2006 book The Female Brain, as evidence for gender brain differences. After the book came out in August, the statistic was widely quoted.
"That hit a nerve. It's been surprising to me that this one little point is the point people pick out," says Brizendine, director of the Women's and Teen Girls' Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California, San Francisco.
But experts in neurolinguistics contacted her saying the data was unsubstantiated. The statistic has been cut from newer editions. "That first printing is a collector's item now," she says.
Mark Liberman, a linguistics professor at the University of Pennsylvania, says that after Brizendine's book came out, he tried to track down evidence to support her claim, but failed. He posted about it online. Liberman, who was not involved in Pennebaker's research, says previous studies have focused on telephone conversations or interview transcripts, rather than recording people's conversation in the course of their daily lives. "This is the first large-scale study in which the amount of talk was tracked," he says.
For the new research, study participants spent an average 17 waking hours wearing a lapel microphone attached to a cord linking it to the recording device, generally hidden underneath their clothes.
Initial data collection used a tape recorder, then as technology progressed, a digital recorder, and finally a pocket PC no bigger than a cellphone. Participants typically wore the recorders for designated periods that lasted anywhere from two to 10 days. The recorder was programmed to record for 30 seconds every 12.5 minutes, so users didn't know when it was on or off and they could not control it.
Liberman says the research clearly disproves the social stereotype. "Some men are more talkative than others," he says. "And some women are more talkative than others."
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a
loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar
boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads."