I had someone ask for an aisle seat on a plane so their hair wouldn't get messed up from being near the window. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started
to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted
me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape
Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response. Click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations; "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright Lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?" Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright Lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!" Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"
"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye getting yer bingo card wet now, do we?"
Life After Death
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.
"Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "After
you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in
to see you!"
Palm Sunday
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed
home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying
several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for."People held them
over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't
go, he shows up!"
Children's Sermon
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the Children's Sermon,
he reached into his bag of props and pulled out and egg. He pointed at the egg
and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!! "
Support A Family
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replies, "Well, no. I was just planning to support
your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
First Time Ushers
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around
the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't
pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
Prayers
The Sunday School Teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers
before eating?"
"No Sir," he replied, "We don't have to, my mom is a good cook!"
Climb The Walls
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother
on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising
us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit,"
the little boy answered.
The Mood Ring
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns
green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
The Water Pistol
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he
discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest
sink.
I was not so please. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't
you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled then replied ... "I remember!!"
Teacher's Psychology
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started
her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Little Davie?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
BEAUTY SECRETS
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"
Grandma's Age
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then asked, "And how old would you be
if you let go?"
A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK).
You can get WORK from your boss or colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life. If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Emp loyer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store. Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated.
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over.
He couldn't decided how to split the between Adam and Eve so He though He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thin that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What is it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God
At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.
After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:
"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?"
The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped, comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child." Then he told the following story:
Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?"
Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son was allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and a few boys nodded approval, why not? So he took matters into his own hands and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."
Shay struggled over to the team's bench, put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.
In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but he made it to first base.
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base.
By the time Shay started towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions, and he too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
Shay ran toward second base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the way, Shay."
As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, shouting, "Run to third! Shay, run to third."
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet, screaming, "Shay, run home!"
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.
"That day," said the father softly, with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world."
Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver stop to see what has become of the rabbit.
Sadly, the rabbit is dead. The driver begins to cry. Just then
a beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side
of the road and pulls over. She asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible,"
he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.
"Don't worry" says the blonde - she runs to her car and pulls out
a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays
the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two
of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around
and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished!! He runs to the blonde and demands, "What is in
that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The blonde turns the can
around so that the man can read the label.
It says:
"Hair Spray-Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave."
Deep thoughts for those who take life way too seriously:
1. Save the whales - Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like - Night.
3. On the other hand - you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm - but the second mouse gets the cheese in
the trap.
10. Support bacteria - They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. Okay, so what IS the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future - Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
25. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until
you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates - it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.