During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' " The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about all the reactions taking place each second in the body." The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, exasperated the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Georgia arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to astop, she jumped up-and-down ....and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."
Moral ~
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men .... are men.
How good are you?
I stink! I'm gonna be riding the "short bus".
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.' " The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those guys? We've been waiting 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golfers!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper, let's ask him." He
said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with the group ahead of us? They're
rather slow aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague
and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
Mechs build weapons and civs build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer, just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The third said, "It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think about
all the reactions taking place each second in the body."
The last one said, "You're all wrong, it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess,
I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for
one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, exasperated the frog
asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you that I'm a beautiful
princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that's cool."
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats ~ exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged,
approaches the blonde at the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on
here?"
"My car broke down, Officer, " says the woman, calmly. "Well,
what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!"
asks the Officer...
"Oh," she says, "those are my Emergency Flashers!"