It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a love
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a computer specialist
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget: birthdays | anniversaries | arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds". Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Stupid, stupid man.
READ CAREFULLY!
I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or Costco, but this may be useful to know. I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen to you!!
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 23-year-old well-built guys come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both are shirtless and start
wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their highly-defined chest
muscles and rock-hard abs exposed.
It's impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or Costco.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start talking dirty about what they want to do to you. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and begins kissing your neck and begs you to pull over so he can make love to you. While this is going on the other guy steals your purse.
I had my purse stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow. I have a few more old purses in my closet that I can dig out for next week!
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
I walked into a Blimpies with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They’re already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "So I guess they’re both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
They walk among us and many work retail.
===================
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted,
"Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
They Walk among us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction
was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up
every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told
him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the
call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted
10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times
10% and gave us a 20% discount.
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She
smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I
was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into
4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just
cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us!
===================
AND........ they reproduce!