He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around
and smacked him upside the head...
Like his mother used to do.
Matilda lived in a tiny village on the Irish coast. She was 98, still a virgin, and very proud of it.
Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she died, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements.
As a last wish, Matilda informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "MATILDA STONE. BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"
Several days passed and Matilda died peacefully in her sleep.
A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk carved the tombstone that Matilda had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone was much too small for the wording that she had chosen.
He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.
For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
Matilda’s tombstone was finally completed, duly engraved. It read:
"MATILDA STONE.... RETURNED UNOPENED“
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced
a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other
six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood
and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding
announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens
children were Dawg, Byrd, and
Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Question:What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer:Princess Diana's death.
Question:How come?
Answer:An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that usesTaiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegal.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!
Miracle Crash
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither
of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods, takes a drink, and then hands the wine bottle back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them...
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Oh yeah," said the son.
"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek
that has no end.
We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.
Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond
our sight.
We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect
them."
The boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."
Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Pass this on to friends and acquaintances and help them refresh their perspective and appreciation.
"Life is too short and friends are too few."
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when
she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again
and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My, what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the
wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"