My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
************************************************************
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
************************************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
************************************************************
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
************************************************************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
************************************************************
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
************************************************************
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
************************************************************
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
************************************************************
Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small
boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
************************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full
of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat
of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's
duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No, said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant"
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year.
I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office
more than my doctor, and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to
plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my
list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles,
and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for
enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury
of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container.
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her a e-mail
just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying
that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that
if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by
now.
Love, Mom
MORAL OF THE STORY... NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER, SHE'S SMARTER THAN YOU!!!
At a 50th anniversary celebration at the church, the minister asked brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the congregation, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired, "Trips to where?"
"For Our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph please tell the congregation what you are going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."
(These come from a Canadian friend)
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Vancouver.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of
us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his
hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the
French Customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs
officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to
France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport Ready."
The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. Canadians always have to show their passports on arrival in
France!"
The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard Look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country,
I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde
who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She
hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at
the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask,
"Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry
you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process
of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group
a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. "These" she explained
"are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side
is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling
on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as
you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses
are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get
out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus
was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't
get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.