A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Christmas and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"
She calls Phoenix imme diately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, about mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
*******************************************************************
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
*******************************************************************
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under
a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now
an d I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.
*******************************************************************
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being Discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs
in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
*******************************************************************
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear >>>
you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
*******************************************************************
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."
*******************************************************************
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
*******************************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days
later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman
on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'"
*******************************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a
banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Thanksgiving Poem
Twas the night of Thanksgiving,
But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.
The leftovers beckoned-
The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation
With all of my might.
Tossing and turning,
With anticipation.
The thought of a snack,
Became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen,
Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge,
Full of goodies galore!
I gobbled up turkey,
And buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots,
Beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling,
So plump and so round,
'Til all of a sudden,
I rose off the ground!
I crashed through the ceiling,
Floating into the sky,
With a mouthful of pudding
And a handful of pie.
But I managed to yell,
As I soared past the trees...
Happy Eating to All !
Pass the cranberries, please!
May your stuffing be tasty,
May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes 'n gravy,
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner,
Stay off of your thighs!
Happy Thanksgiving!
This is a test for your eyes. Try it.
Can you find the C? (Good exercise for the eyes!)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Once you've found the C..........
Find the 6!
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6...
Find the N! (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM