A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I
was being the Ring Bear."
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One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.
Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one
called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
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One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our
trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't
make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like
I am."
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A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's
Adam's suit".
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The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third
pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he
hurt us?"
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Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See
those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
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A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother
by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the
King James Virgin?"
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A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it
... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend
the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled
wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is
one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No
Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be
bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's
the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
I hear California is trying to come up with new state-wide tests, too: (thanks Helen)
Since the average life of previous state-wide tests (TABS, TEAMS, TAAS and now TAKS) has been 5 years, we have decided that it is not too early to plan for the next test.
The new instrument will be the Texas Assessment of Cognitive Operations (TACO). It will have a remedial version (Soft TACO), a regular version (Hard TACO) and advanced version with many more pages (the Gordita).
Also, it will be graded on a normal curve (the TACO Bell).
Districts being graded will be offered a report of standings called the Summative Administrative Assessment Survery - SAAS (pronounced SAUCE).
If the ratings are excellent (TACO Bueno), satisfactory (mild
SAAS) or unsatisfactory (Hot SAAS). Districts receiving the lowest scores will
be put on probation with a Basic Educational Appraisal - Not Satisfactory
(BEANS).
A second low rating will earn the dreaded supplement: REmediation FactoRs for Individualized Education Deficits (REFRIED BEANS). [Caution: This rating will cause a lot of hot air at campus faculty meetings.]
(This one is thanks to Ginny) *tee-hee*
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old-age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. T
he bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for this?
Brace yourself.
This is really going to hurt!
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"
Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've
used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I
spilled
some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband
started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his
blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative,
and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the
stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that
I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.