Four women were driving across Canada. Each one was from a different province: P.E.I, BC, Alberta, and Saskatchewan. Shortly after the trip began, the woman from P.E.I started pulling potatoes from her bag and throwing them out of the window.
"What the heck are you doing?" demanded the girl from BC.
"We have so many of these darn things in PEI, I'm just sick of looking at them!"
A moment later, the gal from BC began pulling apples from her bag and tossing them from the window.
"What are you doing that for?" asked the gal from Alberta.
"Same here. We have so many apples in BC, I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired, the gal from Alberta opened the car door and pushed the Saskatchewan girl out.
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........
and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away.........Florida
or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to
the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You
ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body
hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she
pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her
scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled
the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If
you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked
her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle
with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option. I will win.
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Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well,
I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I
wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and
break wind, as a form of holy communion.
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Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone
to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you this is no problem.
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Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic
groceries at the store, like milk or bread. ! I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are
the same thing.
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Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working,
I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
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Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole
show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).....applies
to engineers mainly.
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Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm
thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, food, cars, or sport.
I have to make up something else and lie when you ask, so don't ask.
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Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother,
or have your Mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay;
I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother,
too.
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Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked
the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if
you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember
the name and recommend it to others.
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Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine.
I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair
of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?
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Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2005,
I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking,
the cleaning the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...! . .. like
wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.