Redneck Rules
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
*** DINING OUT ***
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not
have dogs.
*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done
in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say!
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya
sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
*** WEDDINGS ***
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and a
clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always
has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask
her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
*** TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER ***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
That's an unusual name your wife has, Three Horse, what does it mean?
It's an old Indian name, it means Nag-Nag-Nag.
WYOMING STATE POLICE - GOTTA LOVE 'EM!!!!!
IN MOST OF THE NORTHERN STATES, THERE IS A POLICY OF CHECKING ON ANY STALLED VEHICLE ON THE HIGHWAY WHEN THE TEMPERATURES DROP DOWN TO THE SINGLE DIGITS OR BELOW.
ABOUT 3 A.M. ONE VERY COLD MORNING IN MARCH 2004, A STATE POLICE OFFICER RESPONDED TO A CALL: THERE WAS A CAR OFF THE SHOULDER OF THE ROAD ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF CASPER. HE LOCATED THE CAR, STUCK IN DEEP SNOW AND WITH THE ENGINE STILL RUNNING.
PULLING IN BEHIND THE CAR WITH HIS EMERGENCY LIGHTS ON, THE OFFICER WALKED TO THE DRIVER'S DOOR TO FIND AN OLDER MAN PASSED OUT BEHIND THE WHEEL WITH A NEARLY EMPTY VODKA BOTTLE ON THE SEAT BESIDE HIM.
THE DRIVER CAME AWAKE WHEN THE OFFICER TAPPED ON THE WINDOW. SEEING THE ROTATING LIGHTS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR AND THE STATE POLICEMAN STANDING NEXT TO HIS CAR, THE MAN PANICKED, JERKED THE GEARSHIFT INTO DRIVE AND HIT THE GAS. THE CAR'S SPEEDOMETER WAS SHOWING 20-30-40 AND THEN 50 MPH, BUT IT WAS STILL STUCK IN THE SNOW, WHEELS SPINNING.
THE POLICEMAN, HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR, BEGAN RUNNING IN PLACE NEXT TO THE SPEEDING, BUT STILL STATIONARY, CAR. THE DRIVER WAS TOTALLY FREAKED THINKING THE OFFICER WAS ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HIM. THIS GOES ON FOR ABOUT 30 SECONDS WHEN THE PATROLMAN YELLED AT THE MAN, ORDERING HIM TO "PULL OVER!" THE MAN OBEYED, TURNED HIS WHEEL AND STOPPED THE ENGINE.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE MAN FROM CASPER WAS ARRESTED AND IS PROBABLY STILL SHAKING HIS HEAD OVER THE STATE PATROLMAN WHO COULD RUN 50 MILES PER HOUR.
WHO SAYS POLICEMEN DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
CHILD ACTIVATED ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER
Recently, I was diagnosed with C. A. A. D. D. aka Child Activated
Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to do the laundry. As I start toward the basement, I notice that there
are cheerios all over the floor and my car keys are in the cereal bowl.
I decide to pick up the cheerios before I do the laundry. I lay my car keys down on the counter, put the cheerios in the trash can under the counter, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to take out the trash.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left, my extra checks are in my desk in the office/playroom, so I go to my desk where I find a sippy cup full of juice.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I decide I should put the sippy cup in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the sippy cup a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye -- they need to be watered. I set the sippy cup on the counter, and I discover baby wipes that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back in the bathroom, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the wipes back down, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote, one of the kids left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that after school when they go to watch TV, I will
be looking for the remote as
they fight over who lost it, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down, get some paper towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the laundry isn't washed, the bills
aren't paid, there is a warm cup of juice sitting on the counter, the flowers
aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find
the
remote, I can't find the wipes, and I don't remember what I did with the car
keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Two little kids are in a hospital, standing next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks "Whatcha in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "Whatcha in for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!"
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home. PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so Awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook..."
"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother.