I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics. How much do you weigh?" she asks. "120," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 165.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 6," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'3".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac.
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
To which the lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."
Happy Easter
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely
be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later
retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should
be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her. Then she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant! I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said, "Oh, honey. There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house.
It kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her curiosity got the best of her so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux "Do you see dat dere baseball cap a floatin' away from the house, den back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dass my husband, I tole dat jackass he gonna cut the grass today come hell or high water."
A lawyer and a blonde woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a flight from LA to New York. The lawyer leans over to the blonde and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and turns over to the window to catch a few winks!
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a question and, if you don't know the answer, you pay me and vice-versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep!
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde, he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer. "Okay, how about this! If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5, but, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game! The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a 5-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer!
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with 3 legs, and comes down with 4?" The lawyer looks at
her with a puzzled look! He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references! He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and
even the Library of Congress!
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his coworkers and all of his friends! All
to no avail! After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives
up! He wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500
and turns away to go back to sleep.
The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, going nuts trying to figure it out! He is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde and asks, "So? What does go up a hill with 3 legs and come down with 4?"
The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep!