An English professor wrote the words on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly: "A woman without her man is nothing"
All of the males in the class wrote: " A woman, without her man, is nothing."
All the females in the class wrote: " A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is powerful!
A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
"Beertits," he said.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
First Grade Proverbs (These have been around a while, but everytime I read them Ilaugh! ~ Sue)
A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the....................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before.....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of........termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that........................looks dirty.
7. No news is............................................impo ssible.
8. A miss is as good as a.........................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll............stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust..........................................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the....................pigs.
13. An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is............................not much.
17. Two's company, three's.....................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.........you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as......Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not........spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed.......................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you.......see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind.................get out of the way.
25. Better late than.....................................Pregnant.
This one is for all who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful
time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy look at this,"
and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I turned around to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose. I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?" I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, have a couple of kids.."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake. We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went. She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet. I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium.
As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor. Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing. There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success. You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die. We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it! There is a huge difference between growing older and growing up. If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight. Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding the opportunity in change . Have no regrets. The elderly usually don't have regrets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose." She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives... At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.
One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep. Over two thousand college students attended her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.