A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful
of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady,
"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"
"We can't chew them because we don't have any teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Then why do you buy them?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Due to the projected increase in workload in the coming years
due to the new master schedule and the No Child Left Behind Act, the district
has decided that it can no longer afford for you to take time out of your busy
schedule to go to the restroom. Instead, to increase teacher efficiency the
district has gone to considerable expense to remodel your classrooms over the
summer to accommodate your restroom needs starting in August.
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near
death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher
stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned
frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used
his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought
it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket
pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing
the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't
looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there
for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen
tube!"
Washing Clothes Recipe (Given a Young Bride By Her Grandmother)
Never thought of a washer in this light before..what a blessing!
'Washing Clothes Recipe' -- imagine having a recipe for this ! ! !
Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:
This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with spelling errors and all.
WASHING CLOTHES
Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont
blow in eyes if wind is pert. Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.
Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.
To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with boiling water.
Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub colored don't boil just wrench and starch.
Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.
Hang old rags on fence.
Spread tea towels on grass.
Pore wrench water in flower bed. Scrub porch with hot soapy water. Turn tubs upside down.
Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs. Brew cup
of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.
===============================================
Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time when you think things are bleak,
read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give thanks. First thing
each morning you should run and hug your washer and dryer, also your toilet---those
two-holers used to get mighty cold!
For you non-southerners - wrench means rinse.