A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, be fore leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreo's, a pot of coffee, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes
that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.
Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies
are.
The girl responds: "Which one? " We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: $ 19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $ 19.95
Shopping Barbie: $ 19.95
Surfer Barbie: $ 19.95
Disco Barbie: $ 19.95
AND
Divorced Barbie: $ 299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $ 299.95 when all the other Barbies are $ 19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend ... “
A 50 year old woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," the woman says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," the woman replies.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".
She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!
MAMA'S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful
doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived
far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home and I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound. It could hold
50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly
blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Luv Ya, Mama