An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays
1. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
2. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
4. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
5. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
6. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
7. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
8. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
9. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
10. Even in his last years, Grand pappy had a mind like a steel trap, Only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
11. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
12. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
13. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a bear trap or something.
14. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
15. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
16. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
17. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
18. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
19. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Can cold water clean dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them! . Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted .
"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
Meet Coldwater......
